Rapid Fire - 6.23.2012

This week my favorite Canadian comic, Lachlan Patterson, and I decided to spend 10 minutes each afternoon "working out our joke muscles" by going to an online news site of our choice and trying to write five jokes which we then email to each other. They're all too topical to go into my act, so rather than just have them disappear into my sent mail folder, never to be seen again. I figured I'd share a few of my favorites every week with the four devoted readers of my blog. Enjoy...

• Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is now playing in theatres around the country...which leads me to wonder: Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire or just a vampire hunter hunter?
• Johnny Depp and his longtime girlfriend are splitting up...thank god they never got married, it'd be a shame if she got to take half of his weird hats.
• According to a new report Asians have overtaken Hispanics as the fastest growing group of immigrants in the US...can't say I am surprised, Asians have always been pretty good at multiplying.
• The Spurs Tony Parker is suing a NY nightclub for $20 million after being hit with in the eye with a bottle during the Chris Brown-Drake melee...but that's what he gets for not listening to Tim Duncan's tips on how to properly use the glass.
• Bobby Brown married his girlfriend Alicia Ethridge in Hawaii this past weekend...the newlyweds told guests who couldn't attend to please send gifts from their registry at Meth, Crack & Beyond. 
• An Oakland Raiders trainer pulled a woman from her car as it was sinking in the Oakland estuary on Saturday...ironic that he's able to recognize something is sinking, yet he still works for the Raiders.

Think Outside the Cable Box

One of Twitter's trending topics today is #takemymoneyHBO, because the "super cool" I-don't-own-a-TV-types want to be able to watch HBOGO without having cable and a subscription to HBO. People are tweeting @HBO and @HBOGO what they would pay per month for a standalone internet subscription to the premium channel.

Now, I hate to do this, because I'd love these fucking idiots to continue wasting time with their cute little internet revolt, but here is how I have a completely free HBOGO subscription without a TV or cable...It's two simple steps, which should be easy for most folks to figure out, but since I assume most of these braindead fucks are begging for HBOGO so they can watch Girls whenever they want, I'm not surprised they are too dumb to figure it out on their own.

Step 1: Find a friend or family member that does have cable and a subscription to HBO.
Step 2: Ask them for their password.

Now, you hipster idiots, that wasn't so hard was it? It's kind of like how you stole the Gotye album, except without the torrent reader and the downloading. Enjoy Girls, but keep in mind just because the fat, disgusting, mongoloid that writes, directs and stars in that show gets laid all the time doesn't mean you can be overweight & gross and have sex too, because remember it's not real life, it's HBO.