The (NBA) Alumni Tournament

With the Knicks season now over (Fuck Boston), I quickly moved my focus onto the June draft and what the Knicks opening day roster might look like before remembering that in all likelihood there will be an NBA lockout this off-season.

Now, because I can't imagine a world without NBA quality basketball I have come up with what I think is a brilliant idea...The NBA Alumni Tournament (although we'll probably have to remove the NBA from the name since their lockout is precisely why this tournament can exist).

The format is simple: An 8-team basketball tournament with six squads made up of current NBA players that all attended the same colleges of Duke, UNC, UCLA, Arizona, UCONN and Kentucky, plus one team of European players and one team of High Schoolers who went straight to the NBA (or as I'm calling them "Kobe Bryant and the Couldn't Pass their SAT's All-Stars). The opening round of the tournament is a three-game series, the 2nd Round is a best of five and the Championship Series is a grueling best of seven.

Sure, there are going to be some big name stars who don't get to play like Kevin Durant, Deron Williams, Carmelo, etc., but come on guys...who in their right mind chooses to go to places like Syracuse and Champaign, Illinois when they could've been at UCLA or Arizona. Plus, can't you just see guys whose schools got snubbed trying to challenge the winning team post tournament, like Chris Paul single handedly trying to beat the champs like he's doing now against the Lakers, but with a bunch of no-name Wake Forest alum and a one hundred year old Tim Duncan.

The best part about this tournament is that it could legitimately happen. If the NBA, like the NFL, has a break in their collective bargaining agreement the players will be free to do whatever they want. So let's say we play the tournament in Vegas and the arena sells out for every game (which it would), that's a hefty chunk of change we can use to pay the players. Are you telling me guys like Baron Davis and Gilbert Arenas aren't going to sign up for a month long basketball tournament in Vegas for not only money, but bragging rights as well?

Check out these rosters and if you are a billionaire who wants to fund this get in touch...or just steal the idea and do it yourself. Honestly, I don't care just as long as there isn't a longer than normal break in my NBA quality basketball watching.

UCLA
Russell Westbrook, Arron Afflalo, Trevor Ariza, Matt Barnes, Darren Collison, Baron Davis, Jordan Farmar, Dan Gadzuric, Jrue Holiday, Ryan Hollins, Jason Kapono, Kevin Love, Luc Mbah a Moute and Earl Watson.

DUKE
Shane Battier, Elton Brand, Chris Duhon, Grant Hill, Corey Maggette, J.J. Redick, Carlos Boozer, Luol Deng, Mike Dunleavy, Dahntay Jones, Shelden Williams, Josh McRoberts.

ARIZONA
Gilbert Arenas, Mike Bibby, Chase Budginer, Wil Bynum, Jerryd Bayless, Channing Frye, Andre Igoudala, Richard Jefferson, Jason Terry, Luke Walton...plus Damon Stoudemire only recently retired and that Derrick Williams kid who is entering the draft.

UCONN
Ray Allen, Hilton Armstrong, Josh Boone, Caron Butler, Rudy Gay, Ben Gordon, Rip Hamilton, Emeka Okafor, Kevin Ollie, AJ Price, Charlie Villanueva, Marcus Williams.

UNC
Vince Carter, Raymond Felton, Brendan Haywood, Antawn Jamison, Marvin Williams, Sean May, Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, Ed Davis...plus Jerry Stackhouse and Rasheed Wallace only recently retired.

KENTUCKY
Kelenna Azabuike, Keith Bogans, Chuck Hayes, Jamal Magloire, Nazr Mohammaed, Tayshun Prince, Rajon Rondo, John Wall, Eric Bledsoe, DeMarcus Cousins, Patrick Patterson, Jodie Meeks, Daniel Orton.

EUROS
Peja Stojakovic, Dik Nowitzki, Andrei Kirilinko, Tony Parker, Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol, Hedo Turkoglu, Danilo Gallinari, Andrea Bargnani, Rudy Fernandez, Sasha Vujacic, Marcin Gortart...plus many others and Manu Ginobili who is from Argentina which is basically Europe and played in Italy. And since they don't have a PG to back up Parker I think we can throw them Brandon Jennings since he was over there a year.

HIGH SCHOOLERS aka Kobe Bryant and the Couldn't Pass their SATs All-Stars
Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Jermaine O'Neal, Al Harrington, Rashard Lewis, Tyson Chandler, Dwight Howard, A'mare Stoudemire, Lebron James, Kendrick Perkins, Josh Smith, JR Smith, Monta Ellis.

Spanish Gus Johnson

March MADness

With the NCAA tourney starting on Thursday I think it's time for us to take another look at my 64-team "Things I Hate" Bracket. Enjoy...

Stay at Home Boyfriend

Recently a piece about being a Stay at Home Girlfriend from Brokelyn.com made the rounds. As a stay at home boyfriend myself I figured it'd only be right if I gave my own tips to help my fellow "homeboys" survive.

Don't sleep in (at least as far as she knows): My girlfriend often gets up for work at 6 am and I get up with her. I'll make some coffee, have a bowl of cereal and watch some SportsCenter while she gets ready and then the minute she is out the door it's back into bed until at least noon. It's bad enough I am home all day, no need for her to think I sleep 'til noon, but also no reason for me not to sleep until noon without her knowing.

Clean up after yourself: My girlfriend hates it when she thinks I spent the whole day smoking weed, drinking and eating fast-food, but that doesn't mean I don't do it. The key is after a trip to In-N-Out not only do you have to make sure to throw out the bag, but don't take the chance that she won't look in the garbage. Instead, throw the bag or empty beers into your neighbors trash can. Also, if you're going to smoke weed make sure that you finish the entire bowl, a smart NARC, errr I mean girlfriend, can tell exactly when you smoked that unfinished nug.

Keep yourself up: Nothing pisses off a hard-working girlfriend like coming home and finding you still in your sweats and slippers. So make sure you put on proper clothes before she gets home. The key is not to change last minute though, sometimes she'll come home early so give yourself at least an hour of buffer before she's expected back. Plus, don't forget to brush your teeth. Nothing blows your last minute wardrobe change like having her kiss you when she walks in only to taste a combo of leftover morning breathe, weed, beer and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Pamper her: One of my fellow "homeboys" buys his girlfriend flowers once a week, personally I don't have the time or money for that sort of thing. But that doesn't mean you can't get her something from time to time if you get creative and know where to look. For example, I like to do my booze shopping at Costco so I can buy in bulk. A lot of times Costco will be selling a handle of tequila or rum that comes with some free glassware so I'll buy that bottle and wrap up the glasses like they are a gift. That way I get my drink on and she gets a little present that I didn't have to pay for.

Sexy Time: Sure, internet porn is a great way to pass the time during a long, boring afternoon, but don't masturbate more than three times in one day. You never know when she's going to come home from a long day and want a little "stress relief", so make sure you've got at least one bullet in the chamber.

Leave the house: Girls are smarter than most of us give them credit for, so make sure you've got all the small details covered. If you drink a six pack and then ditch the empties you may think you haven't left any evidence of your drinking, but don't forget to go out and replace the six pack before she notices they're missing.

God Bless the Internet

The second I saw the Lotus Flower/Single Ladies mash-up I knew the entire internet would follow with their own take. Thankfully, some poor soul with no purpose in life has taken the time to put all the dancing Thom's in one place. My favorite is Thom Doing the Dougie, but Thom doing the Hamster Dance is pretty great too. Which Dancing Thom is your favorite?

Sandy Alderson's Off-Season To Do List

Despite playing in a brand new stadium and baseball's #1 market the New York Mets still had a 2010 campaign that could most gently be described as disappointing. That is why following last season the Mets made some major changes in the organization, specifically hiring Terry Collins as the new manager and Sandy Alderson as the new GM.

Why then was the off-season so quiet for the Mets? Shouldn't the new guys be shaking things up a bit? Making some noise? At least appearing in the NY Post sports page once for every 10,000 Yankees mentions? Well, I think the Off-Season To Do List that sits on Sandy Alderson's desk gives us a hint as to what our new GM has been up to. Below is a photo sent to joepraino.com from a source inside the Mets organization.

A Vicious & Ironic Cycle

The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles is now offering therapy for their comedians...

The irony here is that I am seriously depressed and in need of therapy because I can't get spots at the Laugh Factory.