I Can't Believe I'm on Facebook Either

A few days ago, after a long & painful battle against Facebook I finally gave in and joined the world's most popular social networking site. I didn't join because I wanted to get in touch with all kinds of folks I haven't talked to in awhile and I didn't join because I am suddenly single and looking to interweb mingle (although I must say I don't look down on anyone who joined for that very reason).

I joined because I'm attempting to do comedy, and that's a tough racket. It has always been tough for comedians to find their audience and in modern times it's even harder because in addition to stand-up and sketch and improv and all the comedic mediums of the past there's now YouTube and Funny or Die and College Humor and Tumblr and the rest of the internet. But, when all is said and done still nothing quite compares to seeing comedy live. When I do a show for living people (and god-willing do well) I make a connection with the audience that just can't be matched by watching something on your computer screen or your iPhone. And that's where Facebook comes in.

The other day I did a gig and after the show was over I hung around the green room drinking for a bit while the audience cleared out. When I finally decided to head out there was a girl from the audience that night who'd been waiting to talk to me, she told me how funny I was and how she wants to come back again and bring all her friends to see me. I thanked her and told her I look forward to seeing her in the crowd again and that's when she dropped the hammer. "Are you on Facebook?" she said, clearly excited at the possibility of friending me and/or starting a fan-club in my honor. "Actually, I'm not on Facebook," I said. And with that I saw the light in her eyes starting to dim. I tried to salvage it with "I do have a website though where you can see my schedule..." but the light was now totally gone. I wrote down my site and even my Twitter and she accepted it, but we both knew what had happened. That piece of paper was going in the trash or more likely getting lost in the wash. The closest thing I ever had to a fan was gone. She wouldn't be starting my SNL or Oscar hosting campaign page, she wouldn't be friending me, in fact she wouldn't ever be thinking about me again, because there's only one way people connect anymore and "I'm not on Facebook"...until now.

I'm doing the best I can to embrace it by writing status updates and friending old aquaintances, but deep down I hate myself for it. Which is why every morning, before I log on, I watch the video below and use a sharp knife to cut my upper thigh.