Joechella

Coachella has finally announced it's 2011 lineup and while there are some great acts like Kings of Leon, The Black Keys, Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, Mumford & Sons, and Kanye West, the only band I need to see is The Strokes.

They're playing Sunday night and I'd happily pay a hundred bucks for the day and sit through a bunch of indie bands I don't give a shit about just to see them, but Coachella doesn't do single day tickets. The only option is to spend $269 (plus taxes & fees, lodging, food, drink, drugs, etc.) for the whole three-day affair.

Well, I say "fuck that noise". Instead, I've decided to have my own festival. I'm just going to set up a tent city in my backyard that weekend, eat a bunch of mushrooms, play The Strokes discography on repeat and have my girlfriend charge me $10 for bottled water...I'm calling it Joechella.

The Embodiment of an Expiring Contract

So far 2011 is off to a shitty start. I opened the year with a terrible sinus infection, which was followed by a pinched nerve in my neck and now, just as I thought I would be back to full strength, some sort of mysterious earache.

For some reason I just can't seem to get healthy this year, which kinda makes me feel like Eddy Curry...except in my case it's going on three weeks rather than three years and I am not getting paid $12,000 a day.

Hey Pink, Shut the Fuck Up

There's a lot of pop stars out there worth hating. You should hate Britney Spears for skanking her way into a career only to turn into a fat white-trash lunatic. You should hate Katy Perry for making music targeting the lowest common denominator and hiding her lack of talent behind her huge rack. And you should definitely hate Lady Gaga for dressing like a clown from the future so her di-di-di-disaster face doesn't get in the way of her selling dance hall garabage. But, in my opinion Pink should be hated more than any of them. She's the worst because she only plays the "women should be empowered card". Taking stupid, sad, girls everywhere with no self-esteem and turning their pain into her record sales. If Pink hates the likes of the slutty popstars mentioned above than how come she rarely wears more than a bra in her music videos? If she thinks music should be about more than just your looks how come her hair changes color everyday and her makeup looks like it was applied by a team?

Below, is the latest pile of undigested Pink shit. Look girls, if you can't make any friends as a child and think stealing a prom dress from the mall is going to make you feel better, well guess what, you're not fuckin' perfect. If you're failing out of school because you spend all your time doing drugs and scratchiti in the girls bathroom, you're not fuckin' perfect. If every time you're feeling down you cut your hair or your wrists, you're not fuckin' perfect.

Another sign you're not fuckin' perfect is if you like this song. In fact, if you do like this song, or Pink for that matter, get in the bathtub and slit your wrists...and make sure your teddy bear isn't around to talk you out of it.

TV Review: Portlandia

The pilot for Fred Armisen's new IFC show, Portlandia, is now available on Hulu (embedded below). The episode, like Fred Armisen, is pretty weird and occasionally it stumbles into some funny moments, but it could certainly be better. Fred is way funnier than most of his recent SNL work, but given the state of SNL these days that's not exactly an accomplishment. I didn't laugh once while watching it, but I did say "that's funny" to myself once every few minutes. It's definitely not something I can set aside half an hour a week to watch, but by my calculations, even if the entire populations of Portland, Williamsburg and Silver Lake watch show that won't be enough to keep it on the air, so I probably don't have to worry about that.

Hobbes Durden

Finally, the Hobbes Durden theory gets the mash-up treatment.

Won't You Be My Neighbor

A few days ago word broke that, upon her release from rehab, Lindsay Lohan would be moving into my 'hood in Venice Beach. Always the gracious host, I decided to hit the bars around town to prep them for Lilo's arrival and find out which ones would welcome a visit from her and her 40-50 closest paparazzi friends.

Listen to my reports for KVB.FM here...and here...and here.

Ghostface on Relationships

Ghostface Killah took to his Twitter today to discuss relationships, specifically "how you know when your girl is sneaking around". In case any of you guys don't follow Ghost or you just missed this flurry of wisdom I've taken the time to cut & paste all the tweets together below for easy reading. Enjoy...

"This how you know when your girl is sneaking around on you nahmean. This is #GFKWordsOfWisdom when your girl is sneaking around on you... Its like...when she comin home too late. She telling you she's somewhere and you know when you go to check up on her she's not answering her fucking phone right. It's like she telling you she over here and it's like yo shits just not adding up right, know what I'm saying. But you gotta be cool because girls is real good liars. They know how to say those lies more deeper than how we know how to lie. they good at it. They the real masters at lying. Females. So its like you know, they staying away, then some of them will start disrespecting you. Nahmean, cause they fucking this other nigga more on the side so they don't really wanna hear what you gotta say to shit at times and shit. They not listening to you and shit. they talkin back. These bitches start talking back. When they start talkin' back thats when you know like HOLD ON This bitch wasn't talkin back like that before. Not to call her a bitch for those you know y'all can excuse my language you know but this is how i talk right now nahmean. Like Hold on this muthafuckin girl wasn't talkin to me like that. Now they start doing that and then paying you no mind. Wanting to be out more nahmean. Something is going down b. Something is going down. Then they might stop wanting to fuck you. They might not want to give you the pussy, you might have been fuckin her like crazy in the beginning. Now, she ain't fucking you like how she used to fuck you now. Cause she's fuckin this nigga. Or maybe she just got finished fucking and she's TIRED nigga. NOW she's tired. Cause her so called running around all day. Nahmean. Nah that pussy got wore out man. Somebody was eaten that pussy b. Nahmean something maybe you wasn't doing but fuck it thats your girl. Nahmean she wasn't supposed to be fuckin nobody know what I'm saying. But thats how you find out your girl is cheating man. When you start signs like that and shit nahmean. And if the bitch ain't got no job and shit and she come home with new shit, Hmmm…theres another daddy runnin around there b. Nahmean smashing your chick cause she ain't get it from you. Nahmean, and even if she did it's like HOLD ON I didn't give that bitch enough money to go head and get THAT and THAT. Nahmean. it's like yo, this shit is bugged out. It's mad ways that you can tell how your chick is fuckin on you, sneaking around. She don't want you to touch her. "Stop I don't want to be bothered right now. Just leave me alone." Nahmean, shit like that while you trying to be all nice and shit. You feel me? They doing shit that maybe WE might fuck around and do. Nahmean, so you gotta just...keep your eye open and shit. Don't think that everything is always love is love because everything ain't. Now go cop that APOLLO KIDS b. Your boy Tone, we in Kentucky tonight. #WUTOUR. Holla."