STFU Indeed...

For the record, I don't believe the "culture of violence in Hollywood" is responsible for the culture of violence in our country, lots of other countries watch crap like Knight & Day and don't run around shooting each other, but I do believe that celebrities need to Shut the Fuck Up.

 

Verbal BrainStormin'

I am the guest on the latest episode of Jamarr John Johnson's Verbal BrainStorm Podcast.

Behind Every Sitcom on TV

"Look, I know the show sucks and no one is watching, but our writing staff is mostly women."

"We'll give you two more episodes."

"Thanks. We WILL let you down."

#thatisall

Ron Paul 2016

Deep in the heart of every Ron Paul supporter right now this is how we feel about Tuesday's election.

No Words...

UnTweeted: Volume IV

What's a surfers favorite element? Bromine.*

*Yes, I'm aware that's the dumbest tweet ever. It's precisely why I didn't tweet it. But I also know had @thesulk sent it that it would be retweeted 80k times.

Lena's Secret

The bidding war for Lena Dunham's book is intensifying by the minute and having read the manuscript I've got to say it's justified. Lena has decribed her book as "a collection of essays with an advice motif", but she's left out the important detail that it's got sort of a choose your own adventure vibe.

For example, the first few pages of the book lay out what is to come, which is basically words of wisdom on how to make it as a young woman even if you're fat, ugly and talentless, but on page 4 it reads "If your mother or father is not a famous artist who regular attends dinner parties with the editors of The New Yorker please skip to page 198." I did and that page simply read "Sorry. You're fucked. Maybe try reading The Secret."

UnTweeted: Volume III

Lena Dunham says the upcoming season of Girls will be more "diverse"...and by that I assume she means bit parts will be given to actors whose parents aren't famous.

FOUND: My Halloween costume

I am absolutely being the Dead Presidents from Point Break for Halloween. First three people to hit me up can join me. But, keep in mind I've already got dibs on Reagan, because obviously I am Bodhi. Also, if anyone wants to limp while following us around in a neon pink trimmed wetsuit the role of Utah is available.

UnTweeted: Volume II

"I am to ladies breasts what Peter Travers is to movies...I like ALL of them."

UnTweeted: Volume I

Sometimes I write a tweet but then I don't hit send. Or I tweet something and Immediately delete it. This can happen for many reasons, like I think it's funny, but only for a second. Or It's offensive and I worry that one day my mom might stumble across it. But mostly it's because it shits on someone or multiple people that are "in the business" who I worry will see it and add yet another demerit next to my name on the Black List that I am undoubtably already on. Well from now on those tweets will go here, because I am well aware no one reads this. So here we go...

"I am so excited for The Mindy Project tonight!" - Mindy Kaling's comedy friends & stupid people who only repeat what they read on Twitter.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

Praino Mercy

RZA is my spirit animal...

Rapid Fire - 6.23.2012

This week my favorite Canadian comic, Lachlan Patterson, and I decided to spend 10 minutes each afternoon "working out our joke muscles" by going to an online news site of our choice and trying to write five jokes which we then email to each other. They're all too topical to go into my act, so rather than just have them disappear into my sent mail folder, never to be seen again. I figured I'd share a few of my favorites every week with the four devoted readers of my blog. Enjoy...

• Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is now playing in theatres around the country...which leads me to wonder: Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire or just a vampire hunter hunter?
• Johnny Depp and his longtime girlfriend are splitting up...thank god they never got married, it'd be a shame if she got to take half of his weird hats.
• According to a new report Asians have overtaken Hispanics as the fastest growing group of immigrants in the US...can't say I am surprised, Asians have always been pretty good at multiplying.
• The Spurs Tony Parker is suing a NY nightclub for $20 million after being hit with in the eye with a bottle during the Chris Brown-Drake melee...but that's what he gets for not listening to Tim Duncan's tips on how to properly use the glass.
• Bobby Brown married his girlfriend Alicia Ethridge in Hawaii this past weekend...the newlyweds told guests who couldn't attend to please send gifts from their registry at Meth, Crack & Beyond. 
• An Oakland Raiders trainer pulled a woman from her car as it was sinking in the Oakland estuary on Saturday...ironic that he's able to recognize something is sinking, yet he still works for the Raiders.

Think Outside the Cable Box

One of Twitter's trending topics today is #takemymoneyHBO, because the "super cool" I-don't-own-a-TV-types want to be able to watch HBOGO without having cable and a subscription to HBO. People are tweeting @HBO and @HBOGO what they would pay per month for a standalone internet subscription to the premium channel.

Now, I hate to do this, because I'd love these fucking idiots to continue wasting time with their cute little internet revolt, but here is how I have a completely free HBOGO subscription without a TV or cable...It's two simple steps, which should be easy for most folks to figure out, but since I assume most of these braindead fucks are begging for HBOGO so they can watch Girls whenever they want, I'm not surprised they are too dumb to figure it out on their own.

Step 1: Find a friend or family member that does have cable and a subscription to HBO.
Step 2: Ask them for their password.

Now, you hipster idiots, that wasn't so hard was it? It's kind of like how you stole the Gotye album, except without the torrent reader and the downloading. Enjoy Girls, but keep in mind just because the fat, disgusting, mongoloid that writes, directs and stars in that show gets laid all the time doesn't mean you can be overweight & gross and have sex too, because remember it's not real life, it's HBO.

Bill Burr > Everything & Everyone

This is the only audio track I have on my iPod for the last week and I just listen to it on repeat.

"I'm ODB as you can see...FBI, don't you be watchin' me."

I'm seriously considering having O.D.B.'s newly released FBI file printed on high quality paper and bound in leather so I can display it on my coffee table.