FOUND: My Halloween costume

I am absolutely being the Dead Presidents from Point Break for Halloween. First three people to hit me up can join me. But, keep in mind I've already got dibs on Reagan, because obviously I am Bodhi. Also, if anyone wants to limp while following us around in a neon pink trimmed wetsuit the role of Utah is available.

UnTweeted: Volume II

"I am to ladies breasts what Peter Travers is to movies...I like ALL of them."

UnTweeted: Volume I

Sometimes I write a tweet but then I don't hit send. Or I tweet something and Immediately delete it. This can happen for many reasons, like I think it's funny, but only for a second. Or It's offensive and I worry that one day my mom might stumble across it. But mostly it's because it shits on someone or multiple people that are "in the business" who I worry will see it and add yet another demerit next to my name on the Black List that I am undoubtably already on. Well from now on those tweets will go here, because I am well aware no one reads this. So here we go...

"I am so excited for The Mindy Project tonight!" - Mindy Kaling's comedy friends & stupid people who only repeat what they read on Twitter.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

Praino Mercy

RZA is my spirit animal...

Rapid Fire - 6.23.2012

This week my favorite Canadian comic, Lachlan Patterson, and I decided to spend 10 minutes each afternoon "working out our joke muscles" by going to an online news site of our choice and trying to write five jokes which we then email to each other. They're all too topical to go into my act, so rather than just have them disappear into my sent mail folder, never to be seen again. I figured I'd share a few of my favorites every week with the four devoted readers of my blog. Enjoy...

• Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is now playing in theatres around the country...which leads me to wonder: Was John Wilkes Booth a vampire or just a vampire hunter hunter?
• Johnny Depp and his longtime girlfriend are splitting up...thank god they never got married, it'd be a shame if she got to take half of his weird hats.
• According to a new report Asians have overtaken Hispanics as the fastest growing group of immigrants in the US...can't say I am surprised, Asians have always been pretty good at multiplying.
• The Spurs Tony Parker is suing a NY nightclub for $20 million after being hit with in the eye with a bottle during the Chris Brown-Drake melee...but that's what he gets for not listening to Tim Duncan's tips on how to properly use the glass.
• Bobby Brown married his girlfriend Alicia Ethridge in Hawaii this past weekend...the newlyweds told guests who couldn't attend to please send gifts from their registry at Meth, Crack & Beyond. 
• An Oakland Raiders trainer pulled a woman from her car as it was sinking in the Oakland estuary on Saturday...ironic that he's able to recognize something is sinking, yet he still works for the Raiders.