Stay at Home Boyfriend

Recently a piece about being a Stay at Home Girlfriend from Brokelyn.com made the rounds. As a stay at home boyfriend myself I figured it'd only be right if I gave my own tips to help my fellow "homeboys" survive.

Don't sleep in (at least as far as she knows): My girlfriend often gets up for work at 6 am and I get up with her. I'll make some coffee, have a bowl of cereal and watch some SportsCenter while she gets ready and then the minute she is out the door it's back into bed until at least noon. It's bad enough I am home all day, no need for her to think I sleep 'til noon, but also no reason for me not to sleep until noon without her knowing.

Clean up after yourself: My girlfriend hates it when she thinks I spent the whole day smoking weed, drinking and eating fast-food, but that doesn't mean I don't do it. The key is after a trip to In-N-Out not only do you have to make sure to throw out the bag, but don't take the chance that she won't look in the garbage. Instead, throw the bag or empty beers into your neighbors trash can. Also, if you're going to smoke weed make sure that you finish the entire bowl, a smart NARC, errr I mean girlfriend, can tell exactly when you smoked that unfinished nug.

Keep yourself up: Nothing pisses off a hard-working girlfriend like coming home and finding you still in your sweats and slippers. So make sure you put on proper clothes before she gets home. The key is not to change last minute though, sometimes she'll come home early so give yourself at least an hour of buffer before she's expected back. Plus, don't forget to brush your teeth. Nothing blows your last minute wardrobe change like having her kiss you when she walks in only to taste a combo of leftover morning breathe, weed, beer and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Pamper her: One of my fellow "homeboys" buys his girlfriend flowers once a week, personally I don't have the time or money for that sort of thing. But that doesn't mean you can't get her something from time to time if you get creative and know where to look. For example, I like to do my booze shopping at Costco so I can buy in bulk. A lot of times Costco will be selling a handle of tequila or rum that comes with some free glassware so I'll buy that bottle and wrap up the glasses like they are a gift. That way I get my drink on and she gets a little present that I didn't have to pay for.

Sexy Time: Sure, internet porn is a great way to pass the time during a long, boring afternoon, but don't masturbate more than three times in one day. You never know when she's going to come home from a long day and want a little "stress relief", so make sure you've got at least one bullet in the chamber.

Leave the house: Girls are smarter than most of us give them credit for, so make sure you've got all the small details covered. If you drink a six pack and then ditch the empties you may think you haven't left any evidence of your drinking, but don't forget to go out and replace the six pack before she notices they're missing.

God Bless the Internet

The second I saw the Lotus Flower/Single Ladies mash-up I knew the entire internet would follow with their own take. Thankfully, some poor soul with no purpose in life has taken the time to put all the dancing Thom's in one place. My favorite is Thom Doing the Dougie, but Thom doing the Hamster Dance is pretty great too. Which Dancing Thom is your favorite?

Sandy Alderson's Off-Season To Do List

Despite playing in a brand new stadium and baseball's #1 market the New York Mets still had a 2010 campaign that could most gently be described as disappointing. That is why following last season the Mets made some major changes in the organization, specifically hiring Terry Collins as the new manager and Sandy Alderson as the new GM.

Why then was the off-season so quiet for the Mets? Shouldn't the new guys be shaking things up a bit? Making some noise? At least appearing in the NY Post sports page once for every 10,000 Yankees mentions? Well, I think the Off-Season To Do List that sits on Sandy Alderson's desk gives us a hint as to what our new GM has been up to. Below is a photo sent to joepraino.com from a source inside the Mets organization.

A Vicious & Ironic Cycle

The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles is now offering therapy for their comedians...

The irony here is that I am seriously depressed and in need of therapy because I can't get spots at the Laugh Factory.

Joechella

Coachella has finally announced it's 2011 lineup and while there are some great acts like Kings of Leon, The Black Keys, Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, Mumford & Sons, and Kanye West, the only band I need to see is The Strokes.

They're playing Sunday night and I'd happily pay a hundred bucks for the day and sit through a bunch of indie bands I don't give a shit about just to see them, but Coachella doesn't do single day tickets. The only option is to spend $269 (plus taxes & fees, lodging, food, drink, drugs, etc.) for the whole three-day affair.

Well, I say "fuck that noise". Instead, I've decided to have my own festival. I'm just going to set up a tent city in my backyard that weekend, eat a bunch of mushrooms, play The Strokes discography on repeat and have my girlfriend charge me $10 for bottled water...I'm calling it Joechella.

The Embodiment of an Expiring Contract

So far 2011 is off to a shitty start. I opened the year with a terrible sinus infection, which was followed by a pinched nerve in my neck and now, just as I thought I would be back to full strength, some sort of mysterious earache.

For some reason I just can't seem to get healthy this year, which kinda makes me feel like Eddy Curry...except in my case it's going on three weeks rather than three years and I am not getting paid $12,000 a day.

Hey Pink, Shut the Fuck Up

There's a lot of pop stars out there worth hating. You should hate Britney Spears for skanking her way into a career only to turn into a fat white-trash lunatic. You should hate Katy Perry for making music targeting the lowest common denominator and hiding her lack of talent behind her huge rack. And you should definitely hate Lady Gaga for dressing like a clown from the future so her di-di-di-disaster face doesn't get in the way of her selling dance hall garabage. But, in my opinion Pink should be hated more than any of them. She's the worst because she only plays the "women should be empowered card". Taking stupid, sad, girls everywhere with no self-esteem and turning their pain into her record sales. If Pink hates the likes of the slutty popstars mentioned above than how come she rarely wears more than a bra in her music videos? If she thinks music should be about more than just your looks how come her hair changes color everyday and her makeup looks like it was applied by a team?

Below, is the latest pile of undigested Pink shit. Look girls, if you can't make any friends as a child and think stealing a prom dress from the mall is going to make you feel better, well guess what, you're not fuckin' perfect. If you're failing out of school because you spend all your time doing drugs and scratchiti in the girls bathroom, you're not fuckin' perfect. If every time you're feeling down you cut your hair or your wrists, you're not fuckin' perfect.

Another sign you're not fuckin' perfect is if you like this song. In fact, if you do like this song, or Pink for that matter, get in the bathtub and slit your wrists...and make sure your teddy bear isn't around to talk you out of it.