YouTube Needs a Repeat Button

A song made up entirely of Mike Tyson quotes and possibly the greatest song I've ever heard. It's only a matter of time before I get arrested for accidentally singing the chorus in public..."I'm on the Zoloft to keeeeep from killin' y'all."

Madden 12 Commercial Outtakes

In these outtakes from the new Madden 12 commercials, Ben Affleck gets a little too into his Depahted voiceovah and goes a bit off script.

Written by me, co-written and produced by Jonesy.

Joe at NY Comedy Club - 9/3/2011

Trailer for The Rum Diary

In the words of the great Bart Scott..."CAN'T WAIT!"

Wu-Tang = Bacon

The Wu-Tang Clan is like the bacon of music...it goes with absolutely everything. First there was Johnny Cash Rules Everything Around Me, then there was the epically brilliant Wu-Tang vs. Beatles and now there is Wugazi, where the Wu meets Fugazi. Below is their version of C.R.E.A.M. Enjoy, and remember Protect Ya Neck...

01 Sleep Rules Everything Around Me by WUGAZI

Carmageddon

I think the LADOT chose to name this weekend's highway closures "Carmageddon" because they figured making people think of the movie Armageddon would express just how shitty it was going to be if you try driving...

And because calling it Car-Every-Jennifer-Lopez-movie just doesn't have the same ring to it.

This is the kind of video...

That I'd sit around on my couch watching MTV all day in hopes of catching...you know if I was 15 and MTV still played videos.

Kenny Powers: MFCEO

I fucking love Kenny Fucking Powers. If he's selling, I am buying. What's that, he's selling K-Swiss...well fuck that gay ass motherfucking tennis shit. That being said, it doesn't make this commercial any less brilliant.

Joe at The Ice House - 6/22/2011

Leave The Poor Girl Alone

I feel terrible for Blake Lively. I mean she seems like such a nice girl. Why would someone leak these nude photos and claim they are of her. And right before her new movie, The Green Lantern, comes out too....

OHHHH, I just got it. The Green Lantern is about to come out. Forget everything I just said.

The Evolution of Ice Cube

The (NBA) Alumni Tournament

With the Knicks season now over (Fuck Boston), I quickly moved my focus onto the June draft and what the Knicks opening day roster might look like before remembering that in all likelihood there will be an NBA lockout this off-season.

Now, because I can't imagine a world without NBA quality basketball I have come up with what I think is a brilliant idea...The NBA Alumni Tournament (although we'll probably have to remove the NBA from the name since their lockout is precisely why this tournament can exist).

The format is simple: An 8-team basketball tournament with six squads made up of current NBA players that all attended the same colleges of Duke, UNC, UCLA, Arizona, UCONN and Kentucky, plus one team of European players and one team of High Schoolers who went straight to the NBA (or as I'm calling them "Kobe Bryant and the Couldn't Pass their SAT's All-Stars). The opening round of the tournament is a three-game series, the 2nd Round is a best of five and the Championship Series is a grueling best of seven.

Sure, there are going to be some big name stars who don't get to play like Kevin Durant, Deron Williams, Carmelo, etc., but come on guys...who in their right mind chooses to go to places like Syracuse and Champaign, Illinois when they could've been at UCLA or Arizona. Plus, can't you just see guys whose schools got snubbed trying to challenge the winning team post tournament, like Chris Paul single handedly trying to beat the champs like he's doing now against the Lakers, but with a bunch of no-name Wake Forest alum and a one hundred year old Tim Duncan.

The best part about this tournament is that it could legitimately happen. If the NBA, like the NFL, has a break in their collective bargaining agreement the players will be free to do whatever they want. So let's say we play the tournament in Vegas and the arena sells out for every game (which it would), that's a hefty chunk of change we can use to pay the players. Are you telling me guys like Baron Davis and Gilbert Arenas aren't going to sign up for a month long basketball tournament in Vegas for not only money, but bragging rights as well?

Check out these rosters and if you are a billionaire who wants to fund this get in touch...or just steal the idea and do it yourself. Honestly, I don't care just as long as there isn't a longer than normal break in my NBA quality basketball watching.

UCLA
Russell Westbrook, Arron Afflalo, Trevor Ariza, Matt Barnes, Darren Collison, Baron Davis, Jordan Farmar, Dan Gadzuric, Jrue Holiday, Ryan Hollins, Jason Kapono, Kevin Love, Luc Mbah a Moute and Earl Watson.

DUKE
Shane Battier, Elton Brand, Chris Duhon, Grant Hill, Corey Maggette, J.J. Redick, Carlos Boozer, Luol Deng, Mike Dunleavy, Dahntay Jones, Shelden Williams, Josh McRoberts.

ARIZONA
Gilbert Arenas, Mike Bibby, Chase Budginer, Wil Bynum, Jerryd Bayless, Channing Frye, Andre Igoudala, Richard Jefferson, Jason Terry, Luke Walton...plus Damon Stoudemire only recently retired and that Derrick Williams kid who is entering the draft.

UCONN
Ray Allen, Hilton Armstrong, Josh Boone, Caron Butler, Rudy Gay, Ben Gordon, Rip Hamilton, Emeka Okafor, Kevin Ollie, AJ Price, Charlie Villanueva, Marcus Williams.

UNC
Vince Carter, Raymond Felton, Brendan Haywood, Antawn Jamison, Marvin Williams, Sean May, Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, Ed Davis...plus Jerry Stackhouse and Rasheed Wallace only recently retired.

KENTUCKY
Kelenna Azabuike, Keith Bogans, Chuck Hayes, Jamal Magloire, Nazr Mohammaed, Tayshun Prince, Rajon Rondo, John Wall, Eric Bledsoe, DeMarcus Cousins, Patrick Patterson, Jodie Meeks, Daniel Orton.

EUROS
Peja Stojakovic, Dik Nowitzki, Andrei Kirilinko, Tony Parker, Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol, Hedo Turkoglu, Danilo Gallinari, Andrea Bargnani, Rudy Fernandez, Sasha Vujacic, Marcin Gortart...plus many others and Manu Ginobili who is from Argentina which is basically Europe and played in Italy. And since they don't have a PG to back up Parker I think we can throw them Brandon Jennings since he was over there a year.

HIGH SCHOOLERS aka Kobe Bryant and the Couldn't Pass their SATs All-Stars
Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Jermaine O'Neal, Al Harrington, Rashard Lewis, Tyson Chandler, Dwight Howard, A'mare Stoudemire, Lebron James, Kendrick Perkins, Josh Smith, JR Smith, Monta Ellis.

Spanish Gus Johnson

March MADness

With the NCAA tourney starting on Thursday I think it's time for us to take another look at my 64-team "Things I Hate" Bracket. Enjoy...

Stay at Home Boyfriend

Recently a piece about being a Stay at Home Girlfriend from Brokelyn.com made the rounds. As a stay at home boyfriend myself I figured it'd only be right if I gave my own tips to help my fellow "homeboys" survive.

Don't sleep in (at least as far as she knows): My girlfriend often gets up for work at 6 am and I get up with her. I'll make some coffee, have a bowl of cereal and watch some SportsCenter while she gets ready and then the minute she is out the door it's back into bed until at least noon. It's bad enough I am home all day, no need for her to think I sleep 'til noon, but also no reason for me not to sleep until noon without her knowing.

Clean up after yourself: My girlfriend hates it when she thinks I spent the whole day smoking weed, drinking and eating fast-food, but that doesn't mean I don't do it. The key is after a trip to In-N-Out not only do you have to make sure to throw out the bag, but don't take the chance that she won't look in the garbage. Instead, throw the bag or empty beers into your neighbors trash can. Also, if you're going to smoke weed make sure that you finish the entire bowl, a smart NARC, errr I mean girlfriend, can tell exactly when you smoked that unfinished nug.

Keep yourself up: Nothing pisses off a hard-working girlfriend like coming home and finding you still in your sweats and slippers. So make sure you put on proper clothes before she gets home. The key is not to change last minute though, sometimes she'll come home early so give yourself at least an hour of buffer before she's expected back. Plus, don't forget to brush your teeth. Nothing blows your last minute wardrobe change like having her kiss you when she walks in only to taste a combo of leftover morning breathe, weed, beer and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Pamper her: One of my fellow "homeboys" buys his girlfriend flowers once a week, personally I don't have the time or money for that sort of thing. But that doesn't mean you can't get her something from time to time if you get creative and know where to look. For example, I like to do my booze shopping at Costco so I can buy in bulk. A lot of times Costco will be selling a handle of tequila or rum that comes with some free glassware so I'll buy that bottle and wrap up the glasses like they are a gift. That way I get my drink on and she gets a little present that I didn't have to pay for.

Sexy Time: Sure, internet porn is a great way to pass the time during a long, boring afternoon, but don't masturbate more than three times in one day. You never know when she's going to come home from a long day and want a little "stress relief", so make sure you've got at least one bullet in the chamber.

Leave the house: Girls are smarter than most of us give them credit for, so make sure you've got all the small details covered. If you drink a six pack and then ditch the empties you may think you haven't left any evidence of your drinking, but don't forget to go out and replace the six pack before she notices they're missing.

God Bless the Internet

The second I saw the Lotus Flower/Single Ladies mash-up I knew the entire internet would follow with their own take. Thankfully, some poor soul with no purpose in life has taken the time to put all the dancing Thom's in one place. My favorite is Thom Doing the Dougie, but Thom doing the Hamster Dance is pretty great too. Which Dancing Thom is your favorite?

Sandy Alderson's Off-Season To Do List

Despite playing in a brand new stadium and baseball's #1 market the New York Mets still had a 2010 campaign that could most gently be described as disappointing. That is why following last season the Mets made some major changes in the organization, specifically hiring Terry Collins as the new manager and Sandy Alderson as the new GM.

Why then was the off-season so quiet for the Mets? Shouldn't the new guys be shaking things up a bit? Making some noise? At least appearing in the NY Post sports page once for every 10,000 Yankees mentions? Well, I think the Off-Season To Do List that sits on Sandy Alderson's desk gives us a hint as to what our new GM has been up to. Below is a photo sent to joepraino.com from a source inside the Mets organization.

A Vicious & Ironic Cycle

The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles is now offering therapy for their comedians...

The irony here is that I am seriously depressed and in need of therapy because I can't get spots at the Laugh Factory.

Joechella

Coachella has finally announced it's 2011 lineup and while there are some great acts like Kings of Leon, The Black Keys, Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes, Mumford & Sons, and Kanye West, the only band I need to see is The Strokes.

They're playing Sunday night and I'd happily pay a hundred bucks for the day and sit through a bunch of indie bands I don't give a shit about just to see them, but Coachella doesn't do single day tickets. The only option is to spend $269 (plus taxes & fees, lodging, food, drink, drugs, etc.) for the whole three-day affair.

Well, I say "fuck that noise". Instead, I've decided to have my own festival. I'm just going to set up a tent city in my backyard that weekend, eat a bunch of mushrooms, play The Strokes discography on repeat and have my girlfriend charge me $10 for bottled water...I'm calling it Joechella.

The Embodiment of an Expiring Contract

So far 2011 is off to a shitty start. I opened the year with a terrible sinus infection, which was followed by a pinched nerve in my neck and now, just as I thought I would be back to full strength, some sort of mysterious earache.

For some reason I just can't seem to get healthy this year, which kinda makes me feel like Eddy Curry...except in my case it's going on three weeks rather than three years and I am not getting paid $12,000 a day.

Hey Pink, Shut the Fuck Up

There's a lot of pop stars out there worth hating. You should hate Britney Spears for skanking her way into a career only to turn into a fat white-trash lunatic. You should hate Katy Perry for making music targeting the lowest common denominator and hiding her lack of talent behind her huge rack. And you should definitely hate Lady Gaga for dressing like a clown from the future so her di-di-di-disaster face doesn't get in the way of her selling dance hall garabage. But, in my opinion Pink should be hated more than any of them. She's the worst because she only plays the "women should be empowered card". Taking stupid, sad, girls everywhere with no self-esteem and turning their pain into her record sales. If Pink hates the likes of the slutty popstars mentioned above than how come she rarely wears more than a bra in her music videos? If she thinks music should be about more than just your looks how come her hair changes color everyday and her makeup looks like it was applied by a team?

Below, is the latest pile of undigested Pink shit. Look girls, if you can't make any friends as a child and think stealing a prom dress from the mall is going to make you feel better, well guess what, you're not fuckin' perfect. If you're failing out of school because you spend all your time doing drugs and scratchiti in the girls bathroom, you're not fuckin' perfect. If every time you're feeling down you cut your hair or your wrists, you're not fuckin' perfect.

Another sign you're not fuckin' perfect is if you like this song. In fact, if you do like this song, or Pink for that matter, get in the bathtub and slit your wrists...and make sure your teddy bear isn't around to talk you out of it.

TV Review: Portlandia

The pilot for Fred Armisen's new IFC show, Portlandia, is now available on Hulu (embedded below). The episode, like Fred Armisen, is pretty weird and occasionally it stumbles into some funny moments, but it could certainly be better. Fred is way funnier than most of his recent SNL work, but given the state of SNL these days that's not exactly an accomplishment. I didn't laugh once while watching it, but I did say "that's funny" to myself once every few minutes. It's definitely not something I can set aside half an hour a week to watch, but by my calculations, even if the entire populations of Portland, Williamsburg and Silver Lake watch show that won't be enough to keep it on the air, so I probably don't have to worry about that.

Hobbes Durden

Finally, the Hobbes Durden theory gets the mash-up treatment.

Won't You Be My Neighbor

A few days ago word broke that, upon her release from rehab, Lindsay Lohan would be moving into my 'hood in Venice Beach. Always the gracious host, I decided to hit the bars around town to prep them for Lilo's arrival and find out which ones would welcome a visit from her and her 40-50 closest paparazzi friends.

Listen to my reports for KVB.FM here...and here...and here.

Ghostface on Relationships

Ghostface Killah took to his Twitter today to discuss relationships, specifically "how you know when your girl is sneaking around". In case any of you guys don't follow Ghost or you just missed this flurry of wisdom I've taken the time to cut & paste all the tweets together below for easy reading. Enjoy...

"This how you know when your girl is sneaking around on you nahmean. This is #GFKWordsOfWisdom when your girl is sneaking around on you... Its like...when she comin home too late. She telling you she's somewhere and you know when you go to check up on her she's not answering her fucking phone right. It's like she telling you she over here and it's like yo shits just not adding up right, know what I'm saying. But you gotta be cool because girls is real good liars. They know how to say those lies more deeper than how we know how to lie. they good at it. They the real masters at lying. Females. So its like you know, they staying away, then some of them will start disrespecting you. Nahmean, cause they fucking this other nigga more on the side so they don't really wanna hear what you gotta say to shit at times and shit. They not listening to you and shit. they talkin back. These bitches start talking back. When they start talkin' back thats when you know like HOLD ON This bitch wasn't talkin back like that before. Not to call her a bitch for those you know y'all can excuse my language you know but this is how i talk right now nahmean. Like Hold on this muthafuckin girl wasn't talkin to me like that. Now they start doing that and then paying you no mind. Wanting to be out more nahmean. Something is going down b. Something is going down. Then they might stop wanting to fuck you. They might not want to give you the pussy, you might have been fuckin her like crazy in the beginning. Now, she ain't fucking you like how she used to fuck you now. Cause she's fuckin this nigga. Or maybe she just got finished fucking and she's TIRED nigga. NOW she's tired. Cause her so called running around all day. Nahmean. Nah that pussy got wore out man. Somebody was eaten that pussy b. Nahmean something maybe you wasn't doing but fuck it thats your girl. Nahmean she wasn't supposed to be fuckin nobody know what I'm saying. But thats how you find out your girl is cheating man. When you start signs like that and shit nahmean. And if the bitch ain't got no job and shit and she come home with new shit, Hmmm…theres another daddy runnin around there b. Nahmean smashing your chick cause she ain't get it from you. Nahmean, and even if she did it's like HOLD ON I didn't give that bitch enough money to go head and get THAT and THAT. Nahmean. it's like yo, this shit is bugged out. It's mad ways that you can tell how your chick is fuckin on you, sneaking around. She don't want you to touch her. "Stop I don't want to be bothered right now. Just leave me alone." Nahmean, shit like that while you trying to be all nice and shit. You feel me? They doing shit that maybe WE might fuck around and do. Nahmean, so you gotta just...keep your eye open and shit. Don't think that everything is always love is love because everything ain't. Now go cop that APOLLO KIDS b. Your boy Tone, we in Kentucky tonight. #WUTOUR. Holla."